It’s been two weeks, and I’m still heartbroken. Two weeks ago, Scott Hutchison, lead singer of my favorite band Frightened Rabbit, took his life. His body was found near the Forth Road Bridge near South Queensferry in Scotland. I have spent the last two weeks with nothing but Frightened Rabbit (and Owl John, his solo project) songs playing on repeat, in my car and while I’m at home. I’ve been so sad, I couldn’t even piece together these thoughts until now. And I can still barely do so. You might think it strange that I’m so distraught about someone I don’t even know. But I feel like I did know him, and that’s the crux of it.
I’m hearing it all over every tribute to this wonderful songwriter, that he had a way of making a connection with his fans through his songs. He sang of heartbreak, disappointment in life, and feeling worthless. And I’ve experienced all of these things at some point, as have many of us. But it wasn’t just that. Because there are plenty of breakup songs out there and angsty complaint songs. But Scott’s songs were different. His songs were angsty and heartbreaking, but they were never depressing. They paired these thoughts with peppy beats that made you sad but also uplifted at the same time. Their epic breakup song “The Modern Leper” is a perfect example of this. (And this particular performance illustrates why he was such a likeable guy.)
Beyond the rhythms and beats, though, there was always a light at the end of the song. In another song “State Hospital”, he sings of a girl born into a grave. She’s a “broken elevator anthem held between floors”. But at the end, he cries out, “But if blood is thicker than concrete, all is not lost.” In “I Wish That I Was Sober” he sings, “I can’t un-sink the things I’ve sunk/Still not giving up, though I wish that I was sober.” And most sadly, in “Floating in the Forth” he writes about contemplating suicide. But he decides at the end, “I think I’ll save suicide for another day.” There was always hope in these desperate, hopeless thoughts. And that’s what makes these songs so important to me. They keep me believing.
Sadly, though, that other day arrived. And it’s just not real to me. I can’t listen to any of these hopeful songs without tearing up. But I can’t stop listening to them. I can’t believe that Scott Hutchison is no longer in this world. I can’t believe he’ll never write another song for me. And I can’t believe I’ll never go to another one of their concerts and hear that delicious Scottish accent. So I play his songs to keep him alive.
In one of my favorite Frightened Rabbit songs, he says:
When it’s all gone
Something carries on
And it’s not morbid at all
Just when nature’s had enough of you
When my blood stops
Someone else’s will have not
When my head rolls off
Someone else’s will turn
And while I’m alive
I’ll make tiny changes to earth
I hope Scott Hutchison knew how much his music meant to people. I’m sad that wasn’t enough to help him battle through his demons. But mark my words, he made changes to earth. He made tiny changes to earth.
