Saturday night I went to the theater. Just saying “theater”–in a slightly British/Old-Fashioned Wealthy accent–makes me feel so cultured and intellectual. It began as a favor to a friend, but moments after sitting in my seat, I deemed it the greatest decision I’ve made in my entire life.
As the lights dimmed and the actors emerged, I swelled with a mixture of pride, satisfaction and a dash of elitism. This mixture gushed as witty dialogue and refined vocabulary wafted through the air and settled in my ears. I wanted to see more plays. I wanted to be cultured. I wanted to feel this good about myself all the time…
…for about 30 minutes.
That’s when the seat suddenly became extremely uncomfortable and the smell being fanned over to me by the woman sitting next to my friend became nauseating. My hand twitched, desperate to check the iPhone in my purse. Did I have any emails? And the arguing. The once-witty dialogue was now downright annoying. I got it: the couple argued then made up, then they argued again, then made up. How was Noel Coward such a genius? I just wanted to fast-forward. When is the next scene? And I was so sleepy. I mean, it had to be almost 9:00 by then. What time is it? Sweats would’ve been so much more comfortable. Couldn’t they just end the play at intermission? I could watch the rest tomorrow morning. I was desperately searching for a way to explain to my friend’s coworker why we left at intermission. I’m violently ill? My dog swallowed some chocolate and my neighbor called me in a frantic panic? I have to pick up my neighbor’s sister’s blind great aunt at the airport? All of a sudden people around me were laughing, but I’d missed it during my escape planning. My hand twitched again, desperate to rewind. I shifted again in my chair. Are my legs getting enough circulation? If I could only stretch out. And get a glass of water. I wonder what the other plays are like that run here. When is the intermission?…
The actors were great, by the way. It was I who fell short. Any refinement or culture or nightly stamina I used to possess has been erased and been recorded over by my DVR. With episodes of The Vampire Diaries and The Biggest Loser.
