(*Last weekend I ran a half-marathon and set a PR. This is the transcript of my internal monologue. I’m not sure it answers the question Why do I run? but it probably explains why I won’t be quitting my job to become an inspirational speaker.)
Saturday 6:00 PM: Exhausted from two days of stressing about what food to eat so I don’t have stomach issues tomorrow. Or bathroom issues. I hate all food.
Saturday 9:00 PM: In bed. Setting alarm for 3:30. Ouch. Why am I doing this?
Sunday 3:30 AM: Signing up for this race was the dumbest idea ever. Again, why do I do this?
Sunday 6:15 AM: Waiting at the start. Beautiful sunrise over vineyards. Tons of people taking pictures with their iPhones. I have no camera. My iPhone is in the car because I run with an iPod. I ruin everything. I’m so cold. I’m tired. Yesterday at this time I was asleep.
Sunday 6:20 AM: Third trip to the port-a-pottie. I’m so bored. I just want to start. This is the worst part of the race. Even worse than mile 12.
Sunday 7:03 AM: JUST START ALREADY!
Sunday Mile 1: Giant hill at start. Please don’t hurt, Achilles. Please don’t hurt, Achilles. Please don’t hurt, Achilles.
Sunday Mile 4: I love pre-race coconut water! No need to stop at a water station yet. This is fun!
Sunday Mile 4.5: NEW SONG ON IPOD!!!!!!! I LOVE RUNNING! I’m going to PR this race!
Sunday Mile 4.8: New song over. Sort of tired. And bored. All these vineyards look the same.
Sunday Mile 7: Stopped at intersection so CHP can let cars go. ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH! Inching out Tour-de-France style. Beautiful PR seconds passing by.
Sunday Mile 7: Shot out of cannon. Racing to catch up. I hate police. They ruined my race.
Sunday Mile 7: I’m tired now.
Sunday Mile 8: I wish I’d put the new song later in the mix. I’m so stupid.
Sunday Mile 9: Smoked by a grandma. I hate running. I suck at it. I’m a loser.
Sunday Mile 10: (Looked at watch) I can do this. I can still PR. I love energy gels!
Sunday Mile 11: My legs are so tired. Maybe I can’t. It doesn’t matter, I didn’t plan to PR anyway. No, I can. Remember making it through the farmer’s carry? Yes…I can do this. I think. Maybe.
Sunday Mile 12: One more mile to go. I love running! The start wait is way more painful than this.
Sunday Mile 13: Run faster! I’m going to let all these cheering people down if I don’t finish strong. Weakness is for losers!
Sunday Mile 13.1: Don’t slouch. Smile. Think of puppies. The picture is immortal.
Sunday Finish Line: I set a PR! I LOVE RUNNING! I’m so sad it’s over. Water.